It’s Always Black History Month For Duchess Willow

Duchess Willow Ebony Femdom
Black History Month is all year round for Duchess Willow 1-800-601-6975

Happy leap year yall. Black history month lasted an extra day this year, and I hope that you all have taken the initiative to learn and apply what you’ve learned about black women, and black people. Black History month lasts all year for me. And I’d like to share some things I’ve learned this month, and I have a special message for my fellow black sisters. The lessons black women learn from the world around us are often painful ones. We live in a world that is committed to misunderstanding us, and also very comfortable in their privilege. There is a hierarchy to privilege, and I’m going to break that down for you. And then we’ll get to the fun and sexy ebony femdom experience. There’s a lot to unpack, and I’m going to say some things that need to be said.

Trigger Warning: If anything I speak on, is triggering to you, please stop reading and go speak with a licensed and accredited therapist. 

A Message To Black Women Everywhere From The Ebony Femdom

This is a tough one, I am going to ask “us” to let it go. I do not mean let go of our experiences and our history. I mean stop taking everything personally that people do. Here’s why we need to start doing this:

  1. It’s essential for black women to heal. We cannot heal if we refuse to let go.
  2. The people that are attacking us, behaving ill mannered toward us, being toxic and traumatizing us, are vibrating at a lower level, and of lower intelligence. There’s a hierarchy to intelligence, and you can always increase and improve your intelligence.
  3. Your anger is valid, and if you keep vibrating on that anger it is going to make you sick. Hard truths are hard for a reason.

Privilege And Cognitive Dissonance

When I said there’s a hierarchy to privilege, the breakdown is simple. Black men have more privilege than black women and they have male privilege. Non-black poc have more privilege than black men and women. White women have more privilege than black men and black women. White men have more privilege than white women, non black poc and black men and women.

Be Strong And Firm In Your Boundaries And Speak Up For Yourself

This is slowly changing, and as it changes, it’s going to take certain groups out of their comfort zone of cognitive dissonant bliss. While it’s changing, and while there is so much happening in the world, black women still need the most healing and the most understanding, and it’s time for us to start looking inward, protecting our energy, and having integrity and taking care of our needs. And for us to start demanding that those needs be met, or closing off access to “us” for the people who refuse to respect our boundaries.

Purging Toxic People And Behavior

That means you may notice the volume of the people you start cutting off going up. There’s nothing wrong with you, and you are not responsible for other people’s lack of understanding. My advice to you is start grounding and start holding everyone around you accountable for their behavior. And also start holding yourself accountable for your own toxicity, projections, and any pain anger and negativity you feel.

Hold Everyone Accountable Including Yourself

If you ask someone to stop doing something that is triggering you, or toxic to you, and they continue to exhibit the same behavior, even after discussion, and they continue to display selective ignorance, selective deafness, selective illiteracy and show signs of being obtuse and hard of listening, cut them off. This goes for yourself and fellow sisters. I’m gonna say this and repeat it if I have to: You are not responsible for someone else’s healing, education, understanding, or self care. All these things are on an individual basis and if someone is triggering you or your mental health and you’ve asked them to stop, it’s time for them to go. If they’re hurt, that’s okay, their feelings once they’re cut off are none of your business. Your healing IS your business.

Emotional Labor And Black Women

I have a tendency to attract very clingy and needy people – if this triggers anyone in me speaking on this, please seek council with a professional – who require a lot of emotional support and constant coddling and reassurance, and it has gotten to the point where I have to check it as soon as it happens, as opposed to letting it slide because it affects my energy levels. Black women are – more than any other demographic – expected to take care of everybody, while neglecting our own needs, and being silent because nobody wants to hear us complain or speak out when something is wrong.

Speaking Up Vs. Being Silent

A lot of zen, new age spirituality teaches being silent and refraining from reacting. Many of these teachings while true, are rooted in privilege. Black women can’t afford to be silent. If we’re silent people will continue to take advantage of us. One of the things I’ve learned is that there is a time and place to speak the unspeakable, which means speaking up when something is wrong, even if the other party isn’t going to like what you have to say. Speak your truth, if it causes a blow up or the person doesn’t want to hear what you’re saying, let that person go.

Avoid Toxic Situationships

This is another experience many black women face. Staying in toxic or unhealthy relationships because you love the person; because you think maybe things will change; because you want to help them. You can’t help them; it is not going to get better, it’s going to get worse; men who are emotionally and verbally abusive are just as harmful as men who physically abuse women. Emotional and verbal abuse, and gaslighting is often more damaging because you can develop whole ass disorders. So heed my warning, if a motherfucker shows signs of being abusive, emotionally draining, ill behavior and gaslighting you and trying to downplay your concerns – get the whole fuck out of there. The block button is your friend, cyber harassment is a thing and you can report someone who is abusive, threatening, or attacking you.

Hold Men Accountable For Emotional Labor

I would love for yall to read the following tweet thread about emotional labor, and the link to what emotional labor is. Black women: If you’re with a man who neglects his physical and mental health, is prone to acting out and having emotional meltdowns, guilt tripping you, manipulative behavior, send his ass the fuck on. If you call him on his behavior and he makes excuses for it, tell him that’s a conversation he needs to have with a licensed therapist. If your man doesn’t have a doctor and refuses to get one, he belongs to the streets, boo. Let him go and you go heal. You are not responsible for anyone else’s mental or physical health.

YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANYONE ELSE’S MENTAL AND PHYSICAL HEALTH

A little louder for the people in the back: YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANYONE ELSE’S MENTAL AND PHYSICAL HEALTH. You are not responsible for someone else’s healing. Hold them accountable and if they refuse to respect your wishes give them their walking papers. And that’s on periodt and emotional labor and accountability.

Start Putting Everything Out On The Table And Tell People What You Need

A lot of men will be very surprised if you put expections on them from jump and make them adhere to your boundaries. Put it all out on the table from jump. Don’t be afraid to ask them if they are able and willing and accepting of your standards. There’s no time left to be afraid to have standards. Also be prepared to walk away from that table, if your needs are not met, and move on. Black women are Queens and deserving of love and respect that doesn’t traumatize us. If more of us speak out and demand respect and treatment owed, our voice will be amplified.

Blackfishing And Digital Blackface

Another warning: If this triggers you, talk to a licensed therapist please. And remember, only hit dogs holler.

If you are in the virtual world, there is currently a black history month exhibit. You can find it by searching for it in world. A couple of days ago I posted about this on flickr, about how appropriating black culture, and blackfishing, and digital blackface, is not only disgusting, and disrespectful, it’s racist. And I will call a spade a spade and anyone who has issues will have to deal with that on an individual basis. There is a level of cognitive dissonance with people in the virtual world, where they refuse to see how their behavior is harmful to black women, and while I am very understanding on many subjects, my hard limit is digital blackface. It is triggering to me and makes me very uncomfortable, being around people who are not black women, who insist on making black female presenting avatars, and use the excuse that it’s just a hobby for them.

Your Comfort Is Not My Problem

I refuse to stay silent to make ponc’s comfortable. The main reason many ignore racism in all its forms, is because if they acknowledge it, they have to acknowledge their privilege. If they acknowledge their privilege, they have to move from their comfort zone. Many ponc’s and non-black poc’s are unwilling to make that move.

My Blackness And My Culture Is Not A Hobby Or A Costume

Pardon my strong language here, my motherfucking blackness is not a motherfucking hobby. You do not get to choose what you’re offended by and what you turn a blind eye to, and then slap me in my face with disrespect. I mentioned this on Mistress Harper’s show, there is a disconnect with non black people (people of no color specifically), where because they have not experience the level of racism and hatred and abuse that black women are assaulted with, they fail to see how any of the aforementioned is a big deal. And I’m about tired of mouth breathers telling me what I’m allowed to be offended by or speak out on.

Selective Ignorance Selective Illiteracy Selective Deafness And Selective Memory Loss

If I mentioned to you that something bothers or offends me, that means you stop doing it. PERIODT. You refrain from disrespecting me with excuses and mansplainations of what your experience has been, if you are not black, and you are not a black woman, FULL STOP. Stand down. You have no voice here and we don’t need you to speak for us. I have a right to be angry as do all black women, when people want to blackfish and pretend to be a black woman “because it’s cute or pretty, or you love our skin coloring and black features.” Yes black women are pretty, cute, beautiful, and also exclusive. If black women can’t walk down the street or even exist without being harmed then you are not allowed to facilitate any behavior that harms black women, and that includes pretending to be a black woman or man. So my advice to black women is this: If you see something, say something. If it bothers you, speak up. You do not have to stay silent when you see something is wrong, and by doing so you’re allowing the perpetrators to get away with things they have no business doing.

Men Who Target Fetishize And Have A Parasitic Attachment To Black Women

Toxic masculinity as it pertains to black women is real. I have blogged about the need for diversity training and education on issues that affect black women specifically. I have noticed in addition to my attracting some very emotionally needy or unstable people, that there are unhealthy men that¬† are toxic in a way that might be deceptive and traumatic, and unnoticeable to the naked eye unless you’re paying attention to the signs. Ladies do not be bamboozled by unhealthy men who are looking for a mammy. It caused me to do a lot of soul searching, and to do some serious internal review. If the word mammy is offensive to you, it is meant to be, and it’s how a lot of unhealthy men see “us.” Since I am no one’s mule, mother, teacher, or therapist, I will not take responsibility for men who won’t even take responsibility for themselves.

Virtual Gender Bending

While I don’t care who is what in the virtual world, I do care when it pertains to more personal interactions. There are many people in the virtual world who choose to portray a gender different from the one they are in real life. There’s nothing wrong with this, unless it is being used for deceptive purposes. An example of that, would be men who have female presenting avatars and use them to get close to women, or men who spend 90% of their free time as a female presenting individual, and target heterosexual women as companions. There’s simply not enough time for us to discuss how this could traumatize the women who are pursued by these men. To anyone who might question virtual culture, 3D online dating is akin to long distance relationships and there are many people who are looking for companionship within virtual.

My Message For Men

Stop wasting women’s time. Please make sure you are taking care of your emotional, mental, and physical health needs by talking to a doctor. And please stop traumatizing women by choosing to be selectively ignorant, concealing your intentions and needs, and dumping your issues on them. Targeting women to latch onto them for your emotional needs, without being forthcoming about those needs, is predatory and toxic. Using deceptive tactics to get close to women that you know wouldn’t talk to you otherwise, is toxic, trauma inducing, and predatory. If you’re confused about your sexuality or emotionally misguided, talk to a doctor. This is wholly your responsibility as a man. And you can choose to do better or continue to be trash. If you continue to be trash you will end up exactly where your behavior led you. The worst part of this, is that there is a chance that you will fail to get your needs met and you will traumatize women in the process. Or you will have your needs met for a time, until the women realize you have no intention of meeting theirs.

How Does All This Tie Into What I Said At The Beginning Of This Post?

In order for black women to let go, and heal, we need to be able to identify problems at their core. It doesn’t matter if it’s online, or in person, it needs to be called out. These are issues that affect me, and affect my interactions with everyone around me, and affect other black women. I am not the only black woman who has spoken out on white men cloning black female avatars (you think I’m lying? I’m deadass), or dating women to get closer to them so they could copy their avatars. These men are doing things online that they know damn good and well they’d be blasted for in real life, because they have that layer of protection being online and doing it.

Strange Male Behavior

Dudes on virtual be fuckin weirdos man. Not just predatory creepy but like… needing psychological help, headass weirdos. The worst on 3D is the gaslighting and manipulation. For this reason, I have chosen to stay far away from any man who spends 90% of his time on a female avi (and I’m about done with men period, right now). I am not referring to anyone who is non binary, and secure in their sexuality and secure in who they are. I’m referring to the sexually confused, unhealthy, effeminate men, who conceal their issues, force the hand and emotional labor of unsuspecting women, and refuse to get the help they need.

These Things Are Happening In Real Life

If you think virtual culture is wild? At least you have the option of blocking and moving on. Online dating opens up a lot of cowardly behavior, it does not stop it from happening in real life. You’re welcome to live your life as you choose. Please make sure you’re considerate of the people who care about you. It does not make it any less damaging, just easier for people to hide. White men fetishize black women in real life on a regular basis. I’ve said this before, there are men who either want to fuck us or be us. You cannot possibly understand how wild that is for someone to experience.

Why Am I Sharing This?

To save the pain and grief of not just black women, but any woman who needs to hear this. I want people to be aware of the low hanging fruit, and lower vibrational energy floating around. And then once you’re aware of it, take steps to protect yourself and take steps to make sure you avoid being equally toxic.

Black History Month – A Summary For Black Women

Focus on your healing and be kind to yourself. Be aware of those who would wish to rob your energy. It’s okay to be angry, sad, and speak your mind, avoid dwelling and festering that energy, because it will make you sick. Hold people accountable, know yourself and what you need and ask for what you need. Be prepared to walk away empty handed and start over. Check yourself. Speak up and use your voice. Blackfishing and digital blackface is racist. State your expectations of any man you interact with up front and hold men accountable. Men are 100% accountable for their behavior and equally accountable for emotional labor. If a man refuses to take care of himself or respect your boundaries let him go. Cut off anyone and anything that does not serve to heal, enrich, or uplift your life. Beware the signs of toxic male inauthenticity.

My Expectations Of Black Women And My Callers

Do better. Learn. Read. Research. Heal and take responsibility for your healing. For my callers I expect yall to learn how to be respectful in approaching and interacting with black women. I expect you to ask questions and state exactly what you need and want. I’m not nearly as scary or intimidating if you’re respectful. I like to have fun with my callers and give them an experience that will hopefully grow into something meaningful and fruitful for us both.

My Expectations Of Non-Black POC and PONC

Approach everything you are reading with maturity, and without crying and victimizing yourself (and really this goes for “us” too). I see right through that, so don’t even attempt it. If reading about a black woman’s experience is upsetting to you, please ask questions, instead of attempting to make everything about your own experience. I mock people who don’t read, by the way. You will be quizzed on this material.

We Care About Mental Health At LDW

Regardless of race, sexual orientation, or gender. We care so much that we’re having a special guest and accredited kink friendly therapist joining us on March 4th. So remember how, I keep telling yall that if you’re triggered or have issues you need to talk to a therapist right? Now you can. Tamara Powell will be talking with us live, Wednesday, March 4th at 7pm Eastern time. Peep the flyer for details.

And Now For The Sexy Ebony Femdom Stuff

Now that you’ve had your educational schooling, I require reimbursement for the time and energy I took to write all of this and keep you informed. I accept reimbursement and reparations in the form of ebony femdom phone sex calls, virtual sessions, wishlist gifts, and tributes. Tonight, as we bring in March 2020, I’m interested in making you my bitch, and hearing you moan. I also require a foot massage and ass worship. So get on it. The number you dial, is 1-800-601-6975 and you ask for Duchess Willow.

 

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